Ever since I was young I knew I was different.

I didn’t enjoy the things that my peers did. I didn’t want to go the places that they went. The happiest I felt was when I was home in my pajamas, unlike my friends who would moan about how desperate they were to have plans to leave.

I would feel emotions so intensely. Whereas everyone around me did not. I would feel the weight of the world lying on my chest because my best friend hadn’t texted me back. I would cry myself to sleep over my crush liking someone else. I didn’t care, BUT I DID. I cared so intensely and deeply that I would feel peculiar, weird, even crazy! Why must I be lying on the ground shaking because someone had confronted me about their missing invitation to my party? Why must I be sweating & hyperventilating because there were no taxis to get home? I feel things in ways that many others couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

I craved connections with everyone. I craved the feeling of being loved, being liked, being wanted and I would do anything to make these connections with others. Although deep down all I wanted to do was lie in my bed and watch re-runs of my favorite shows, I would over exert myself in order to make sure I was ‘liked’ by others. I would go shopping with girls & spend money I didn’t even have just to impress them & fit in. I would drink alcohol to the point I couldn’t walk just so I didn’t look like the loser sitting there sober. I would walk around in freezing weather wearing only a cardigan so that boys would think I was attractive.

You might by now be thinking,  “Yes, but EVERY teenager feels and does things like that!”

Yes, they probably do. But everything to me was a chore, my teenage years were a chore to me. A chore that I hated to do, but had to. I had to because the fear of not being accepted drove me crazy. I was desperate to look normal, but then my emotions would send me haywire. I would look fine to others, but inside my chest was about to blow open & my mind was about to melt. The churning in my stomach made me feel like I was going to pass out with the pain but it wasn’t the emotions that caused me to act different from the way I really felt, it was the fear of not being accepted, of people not understanding how I really felt.

I aimed to succeed. I wanted to succeed in school, in popularity & appearance. I wanted to succeed in creating connections with people to feel needed.

So, what about now? Am I still craving connections? Am I still feeling emotions so deeply that it knocks me to my core?

The answer is yes. Yes, everything is the same, apart from my end goal. I no longer crave artificial connections, I no longer want people to accept me for why i portray to them I am. I still feel emotions intensely, but I no longer hide them away from people.

Anxiety is like having someone controlling living inside of you, whose aim is to make you feel the worst of the worst. It wants to break you down, believe things that are not true & push you down to the breaking point. My own teenage years were FILLED with anxiety. I didn’t know it at the time, but my intense emotions that I tried to push down, the emotions that I believed were more sensitive than others, was actually anxiety that was trying to make me my worst self. So when I reached the point that daily panic attacks were occurring I knew I needed to change, I needed to make a change to my life. I couldn’t bear the shaking, the churning stomach, the tight chest and the racing mind every day. Everything I had every worked for (the friends & the popularity) had gone. I had lost everyone around of me. The people that I tried to impress, and make connections with had left me. During my hardest time, they had disappeared. Disappeared because I no longer fitted in. That’s when I knew, the only connection that I knew I truly needed was a pure connection with myself, to be able to understand my own mind and body. Work to impress only me.

I no longer go to parties just to show face & I don’t force myself to look good for others,

I now aim to succeed. I aim to succeed in myself. Succeed, in pure health, in happiness. I aim to make connections with people who have pure hearts. I aim to heal myself and to make a difference in the world. I’m not saying I am stopping world hunger or stopping pollution but I aim to help other heal the way I feel myself heal every day. I want people to reach their full potential, to live a life that makes them happy to their core and to also feel emotions on a normal intensity. I aim to make deep and lasting connections with those who vibrate a frequency that I recognize within myself.

I now hear my own voice and I listen to it, I embrace my calling and my emotions. I will not and do not compromise with my happiness and most definitely my health. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

and so I ask, do you believe in more? Do you believe in a life without anxiety?

If so, then please stay. I want to help you.

I’ll be uploading different posts on how to help with different kinds of anxiety, different situations to help to cope with and how to feel happy within yourself.

If you are still reading, then thank you & I hope that this blog can be of some help whatsoever.